Girl of heaven

As far as I remember me, as a kid I don’t recall any moment when I cried due to regret. Regret of what mistakes I have done in my life, and will I ever be forgiven. I created this blog 2 years ago, but today when this title came to my mind, girl of heaven, I came to know its real meaning, or at least the meaning of my life…. And the meaning of all our lives. This is what I want to be, this is what we all should strive for. I remember many years ago when the biggest threat was passing our annual exams and the biggest fear was facing our parents with a bad result card. I never thought that those fears were so volatile and all our hardships for passing the exam will be in vane one day when we would end up in grave. Now the biggest threat is passing the life exam and the biggest fear is to face Allah with our result card.
So after knowing all this where did I ended up? Am I doing good? Am I preparing for it, or at least am I studying for it? The answer is …………. No
Why didn’t I ? I try to do good, but what stops me? Every time I look back from the thorny place I am standing, I see a broken bridge upon a deep roaring river, and I don’t have a way to rebuild that and go to other side of the valley which is more beautiful, without any thorns. Why did I ever cross that bridge which was so weak? Why did I cross my lines? Why I never obeyed to my parents? How would I go back? I wish I had a time machine.
Now the question is, if the bridge is broken, is there any other way of escape? Yes there is… if I ask for forgiveness, from Allah and from all those people I have hurt, will I get the right path?........ I wish I get it, I am trying to do it, I am trying to be strong, to keep my self from falling into the river.
I spent my entire life criticizing others, but I never looked into my own book of deeds. I was interested in knowing who prays and who doesn’t, who is truthful and who is a liar, who is a saint who is a sinner, until Satan made me forget that I am the biggest sinner of all..
My father always used to quote a saying. He said Allah says to man kind:” there is what I admire and there is what you like, if you do what I want, I will give you what you want, but if you withhold from what I like and do what ever you like, I will make you tired in what you are running after, but in the end every thing will happen as I wish”. I used to listen to it with a lot of interest but now I came to know its real meaning. Its so true. When ever I abstained from the law, every time I failed and I got beaten up. I never found my way back till I prayed to God and asked him to guide me the way. And I know he would never leave my hand. And I will keep on asking him to hold me and guide me.
I never want to die, I wish to live forever, because I want to be a martyr. And I want to be alive in the hearts of people, and I want to be a bird of paradise.
I want to be the girl of HEAVEN